Monday, January 07, 2013

LETTING GO

Hello everyone!

How is 2013 treating you so far? I hope you had a great start and is settling nicely into the new year. 

For me, I had a rocky start to the new year. I stumbled, fell and cried. The tears which had not flowed since 2011 came back with a vengeance. New Year's Day was spent curled up in bed, hiding under the blanket because I had neither the energy nor strength to face anyone. Darkness became my best friend for the days that followed just like it was at the beginning of 2012. 

What happened made me question everything I had believed in. It made me question myself. Why did I allow history to repeat itself? Why did I give hurt and pain the chance to find me again? My self-esteem took a serious beating once more and I plummeted into the black hole that was threatening to swallow me again. 

The times when I managed to drag myself out of bed to face the world, I had to put on a happy front. No one knew how tired I was, how difficult it was to put on the false front and how long it took to put it on each time I headed out. 

Just as I was wondering when the misery would end, I got the answer last Sunday when attended the first service of the year. What I saw that evening was the final nail into the coffin. The tears fell non-stop as I made my way home. 

As I sat at the playground, shrouded in darkness, the scene kept playing in my head. There were a thousand questions in my mind which no one was able to provide me with the answers. It was then that I realized that the answer was there all along. I'd refuse to believe that was the answer I was searching for.

As the last drop of tears fell, I decided it was time to let go. Of what might have been, what would have been. It was time to get back on my feet. 

It took me a good six months to forget everything previously. I'm not sure how long it will take this time but I know that no matter how hard it is, I will be fine in time to come. 

This episode made me realized that I'm surrounded by people who loves me with all their hearts, who are truly protective of me, who can't bear to see me hurt. 

They were there to support me when I was down; endless text messages of encouragement, comforting words, listening ears and shoulders for me to lean on. 

The other good thing that came out of everything was that it made me write again. Writing used to be my outlet for depositing my thoughts and feelings. I don't know when and why I stopped. I'd tried escaping into the world of words and music but it never lasted long. Writing was the only way I could pour out the feelings in my heart. The hurt and pain that I was unable to express in speech. Putting everything in ink was the only way for me to look back at the lessons learnt and to serve as a reminder to not make the same mistake again. 

As I embark on a brand new week, I'm all ready to face the world without the false front. Letting go of the pain and unhappiness; to believe, trust and have faith once more. 

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