Wednesday, October 17, 2007

PULLING MYSELF TOGETHER

There's so much that I want to write but yet I don't know how to start.

Have been badly affected by what happened since last Wednesday.
Misunderstandings after misunderstandings just kept happening.
It was never my intention to cause any of them but no point explaining any more.
The more I explained, the worse it became.
I will take it as my fault.
End of the story.

For once I'm glad that I'm being kept busy at work.
For I can only seek solace in my work now.
Reaching office early, attending meetings, working late to keep my mind off everything.
Putting on a mask when I'm at work has become the norm for me.
No longer logging on to MSN or Skype because it's pointless for me to do so at this moment.
Know what's the scariest thing that I've realized?
I've ran out of tears.
Initially I wanted so much to cry when everything happened at one go,
but no matter how hard I tried,
the tears just wouldn't come.
"My tap is spoilt".
This was what Kit used to tell me when she realized that no matter how sad she was,
her tears just wouldn't flow.

Understanding I seek from people around me but it's so hard to get it.
Badly affected I was,
but after being along for the past few days,
I've realized that whether I get it or not,
it's no longer important.

Looking back,
throughout all these years,
no matter how shitty my life was,
I've always got through it on my own.
I'd tried to open up and share my feelings but I've come to realized that it's pointless.

Maybe it's time to shut down my heart once and for all.
Spend all my time and energy on work and studies.
If possible, find a job out of Singapore and leave.
But I guess it's impossible for the time being because I can't bear to leave Mummy.

She has been sick for the past two weeks and no matter how many doctors she had seen,
or how much medication she took,
she doesn't seem to get better.

I have not been sleeping much for the past two weeks.
Mummy's cough gets so bad in the middle of the night that many a times,
I was jolted awake from my sleep.

Have asked her to go for a full body check-up at the hospital but she doesn't want to.
I'll give myself till the end of the week.
If she doesn't get any better,
I will force her to go for a check-up.

Other than Grandma who has left me,
Mummy is the next most important person in my life.
She's the reason why I'm keeping myself strong.
Because I made a promise that I'll never let her suffer.

Towards Mummy,
I'm not one to express my feelings openly,
but I believes she knows that no matter what happens,
I will always be by her side to support her.

That's why,
no matter how shitty my life is,
I will pull myself together and get back on my feet again.

2 comments:

Dancing Diva said...

whatever it is, i sure hope u'll pull through.

*huggies*

Anonymous said...

Ah Girl, cheer up!

AH MAO